By JOHN E. BIALAS
Boxes of Great Value pizzas are stuffed into the cases in the frozen-food aisles of just about any Walmart, such as the SuperCenter in Gulfport, Miss., where I shop maybe every two weeks.
The last time I was there, I noticed new kinds of Great Value frozen pizzas, one of the Walmart brands, and I say new because they’re new to me and this is my story. I stopped to take iPhone photos of the boxes because they have the worst cover images and descriptions ever associated with pizzas and I wanted to publish my photos as a warning to consumers.
Before I share my photos, I wonder if you have tried any of the new Great Value frozen pizzas. I also wonder if the pizzas taste a whole lot better than what their packaging represents because I know I will never try one. They all look and sound disgusting.
The most stomach-turning of the offerings is the Pineapple Dessert Pizza.
Pineapples remind me of a childhood horror: Fruit cocktail. I was forced to put it down my throat at lunchtime in the cafeteria in my Catholic elementary school in Biloxi in the early 1960s because the Irish nuns dictated that no food would be wasted.
Plates and trays were inspected after students finished their meal and anything left over, whether you liked it or not, was to be swallowed immediately before we returned to the classroom.
Fruit cocktail is the most awful thing I’ve ever had and I’ve avoided the taste of pineapples since 1964, when I was 12.
Another Catholic elementary school memory involving pineapples is the time a nun yelled at a girl in class for butchering the pronunciation of the Philippine islands.
The girl called them the Pineapple islands and Sister was nun too pleased or some kind of pun like that.
Now it’s time for the Great Value frozen pizza photos.
OK. That’s it. I’m done with the frozen pizza photo sharing.
Great Value? Nope. Change the brand name to Awfully Vile.